Darkness within myself
by SSLE
Summary: Valjean refuses to let Javert die and all sorts of feelings are uncovered. But in the aftermath Valjean is forced to deal with his conscience.


**So, I love the stories where Valjean saves Javert at the Seine, preventing him from killing himself and they get together afterwards because they're so clearly and hopelessly in love with each other. However, in all those awesome stories the conflict/moral/conscience/guilty issues always comes from Javert and Valjean is usually ok with the situation. And while I do love these stories I wanted to offer other version, which is having Valjean having those kind of guilty and conscience feelings as well. **

* * *

Valjean moved lazily in the bed, the thoughts and memories of only hours ago appeared magically through the haze of his mind. One could imagine that considering his situation Valjean would be happy. The cold winter didn't penetrate the room. Close to the bed there was a lightened fireplace from where all the warm emanated. His nakedness might however chill him hadn't he been covered by heavy covers and the arm of his lover laid carelessly across his own chest.

But he was troubled. The events of the last hours changed his life and everything he had known. He had saved his nemesis's life twice, first at the barricade then at the Seine, by plunging into the freezing water. And the Inspector who had on so many occasions terrified him, haunting his nightmares, had moaned huskily against his ear, wriggling under him. They had exchanged kisses, meaningful gazes and caresses and whispers that resounded again in his brain and again. Not that either of them had much experience in such matters. None whatsoever in fact. But they hadn't talked it through. Instinct took hold of them and they just _knew._ As simply as that, as simply as it never was for them. And it wasn't just the raw passion that both had been hiding. Their first kisses had been gentle and affectionate and that had made them achieve some level of pleasure.

The Inspector had been in pain, the kind of suffocating pain that only conscience can inflict upon a soul. And Valjean had been terrified of seeing him die. The mere thought of it was unbearable. It had been so seven hours ago and was still now. He didn't understand it. None of it. While he would never let a man kill himself in front of him this man was Javert…and what they had done surely went far beyond Christian Charity and concern for your fellow man.

He hadn't understood it. He didn't understand it now. He didn't understand how or why.

The understanding had dawned him on one specific moment: when their lips had met and he realized that he had feelings for Javert. Feelings that surpassed the mere companionship and affection between friends. It was more than that. In many ways, it had always been. In Valjean's mind this had acquired a sense of inevitability.

But now another question started to prick his mind in the aftermath of their unreasonable passion. How was he capable of giving in to such basic instincts that were so against his own nature and his own beliefs? And more than that, how was he capable of loving a man who had for years been a symbol of the degeneration of his character, of the darkness within himself. During his years in Toulon Valjean had forgotten all of his humanity and dedicated himself to hatred. He blamed himself for this of course but a part of him blamed the unjust law, the unjust society. And what was Javert but the greatest symbol of all this injustice?

Suddenly all the memories from his martyrdom in Toulon rushed again to his mind, all the feelings and hatred and humiliations and utterly misery that had made him forget how to be human, how to be whole and good again.

Valjean pushed the covers aside and retrieved from the bed letting Javert's arm falling against the mattress. For a second, he feared the other man had awoken but instead he merely sighed deeply, too contently and snuggled deeper into the blankets. Looking at the man so made Valjean cringe at the rush of tenderness that attacked his chest. Air failed to reach his lungs. He grabbed his robe and for a moment he wanted nothing more than to run away and leave the inspector there and never see him again ever, forget this had happened, forget Javert and everything he carried.

But fear gripped his heart. The idea that the Inspector could attempt suicide again was too painful. And this time he would be more than directly responsible. And so Valjean merely walked to the window and opened it, ignoring the cold and the gust of wind that came from outside. He felt guilt. He was betraying himself. He felt angry, angry as he had been all those years ago before he met the Bishop. And it scared him, it scared that he could become the man he was, the soulless and evil and empty as he had been in Toulon. That man he had been frightened him. And Javert was there on his bed, reminding him that he would probably never cease to be that man, that part of his nature would always be inhuman and savage, no matter how hard he had tried to change.

He shivered. He had chosen chastity and had imposed it on others. But this night when he had saved Javert, when he had brought the trembling man to the Inspector's own house and undressed him, watching his skin glow by the fire, hearing Javert calling out his name, ranging against actions, Valjean lost all the self control he had for so long retained. "Javert!" He had snapped and the Inspector had strangely shut his mouth. They had looked at each other and Javert's gaze had pierced his very soul. The second afterwards, their lips were locked with such force that the Inspector had fallen back on the bed with him above.

Attraction didn't come easily for Valjean. One might say it never came at all. But attraction to a man, and to the Inspector who had chased him, was even more unconceivable. "Please God" He whispered. "Please" he begged for guidance.

A wave of wind hit him and he tightened the robe around his frame.

"Valjean" Came the sleepy voice from the bed, so slow and hazy that it didn't seem to belong to the imposing Inspector. He didn't answer. "Valjean" He called again, waking. "What are you doing?"

He heard the familiar sound of ruffling sheets. Javert had sat "What are you doing there Valjean? And with the window opened. You must be freezing" It was a rebuke not an expression of concern, Jean told himself. The ex-con pressed his lips tightly together and refused to speak.

Javert frowned deeply before rubbing his eyes. Something was clearly amiss. He gathered the covers around him and crawled out of the bed. "You are trembling" He stated simply. Given the lack of answer, the Inspector looked down, suddenly concerned and embarrassed. Valjean had regretted it. He knew it. He could see it in the way his shoulders hung down, the way he bowed his head.

Against his better judgment and reasoning, Javert raised a hand to touch Valjean's shoulder. The response was immediate: he flinched and the Inspector retreated his hand as though he had burned himself.

"I see" His voice was cold as ice now. Javert looked around searching for his clothes. They would still be damp. "I will see myself out"

"Don't" Came the strangled whisper. "Where would you go?" Asked Valjean, fearful

"Don't you dare to pity me, Valjean. I've had enough of your pity." Javert snapped.

Finally, the older man turned to meet the inspector. Javert had wrapped the blankets around his waist, leaving his chest bare. Valjean blushed. "You are a nuisance, Valjean you can't even look at me without diverting your eyes. Such a sacrifice it must have been for you, to bed me. The man who almost destroyed your life but gave up on the last second…why have you done it? To reward me for not denouncing you? Like a common whore?"

Valjean gritted his teeth and his fists were closed "Don't be absurd" He growled suddenly angry. "Don't be ridiculous, Javert. You know nothing"

He was taken back at the venom in Valjean's voice. Had he really changed? Had Valjean really changed since Toulon? Because right now he strongly resembled the convict he remembered. Or worse: what if he had changed and Javert turned him bad again? What if, the Inspector thought for a terrifying moment, what if this is all my fault.

"I know enough" He remarked. "I know what I see." And went on to pick his clothes, Valjean's gaze following him.

"You don't understand" Valjean murmured more calmly, almost meekly. "It wasn't pity that moved me last night…it wasn't even compassion. I didn't want…I couldn't see you die."

"Why Valjean?" He shot back. "You don't owe me anything. You never did."

"It's not because I owe you, damn it! If I really thought like that you would be dead by now. Can't you see that I don't think like that? I don't…see you like that"

"You hate me." Javert stated clearly. "I'm a reminder of the past you have tried so hard to hide. Of the man you tried to kill in yourself. It doesn't matter what prompted you last night. If pity or compassion or even a misguided need for affection. What matters is what your reason is saying now."

It was Valjean's turn to assume an astonished and slightly horrified expression. How was Javert able to read him so quickly so accurately? The Inspector once again seemed to read his thoughts and chuckled bitterly "I have known you for years, Valjean. I might have been wrong about you but I wouldn't be _completely_ wrong"

Valjean closed his eyes momentarily. "This is not easy for me" He struggled to say

But Javert's eyes regained a new fire "And you think it is for me?!" He spat. Valjean looked up "You think I am comfortable with sleeping with you, with having…done what we have done, in the manner we did it…with you of all people! A man that represents everything I've fought against, a man who soiled my vision of order and society of everything I held dear! You destroyed that Valjean. You destroyed it by being…good…by being…honourable, by saving my life. You think I have not tried to deny countless times what I felt?"

He spoke too much and realized it in the same instant the words had left his mouth. But thankfully Valjean didn't seem inclined to notice his last sentence. "I don't hate you Javert!" He answered back though not as spitefully as the Inspector had done. But still his tone was angry filled with revolt. "I never hated you, not once, not even when you provoked Fantine's death. I feared you and resented you but hatred? No. I never hated you. You may loathe me and everything I represent or used to. But do not think for a single instant that you do not have any effect upon me. That being with you…like we did…" He slowed down "that it is easy to accept my feelings" He whispered finally. "Yes. You are many things for me…and one of them is a reminder of what I was…and I don't like what I was. I fear what I was. I fear what I was when you met me"

Javert was silent. Absentmindedly he sat back again on the bed, placing his hands in front of his face. He mused on Valjean's words trying to disclose the truth in them. And a fair analysis, without being influenced by his own feelings on the mater, showed him that Valjean had as much reason as he had. And his feelings and fears were as justified as his own. That he could not deny.

"We are both foolish and reasonable at the same time" He concluded. Valjean smiled thinly at that.

"Indeed we are"

They were in silence for a long time. Valjean turned to close the window and sunk in the armchair, deep in thought. Javert sighed. "Do you regret it?" He quietly asked, feeling the aftermath of the storm.

Valjean met his gaze "No" And he put his every effort to show the sully, broken man in front of him the truth behind his words "I could never. I don't regret you Javert. I regret myself. I regret that who I was has always come between us"

The Inspector nodded. And eventually he said "We must be fair…I must be fair and just. Mayhap is the only thing I still can have left. Truthfulness to myself…and to you" He stared at Valjean straight in the eye "You should regret yourself and your past mistakes. It is well that you do so. You did wrong and deserved your punishment. And if it weren't for them…everything could have been much different. But then, if it weren't for them we might have never met." He made a pause "But we ought to regret and curse me as well. Had I been different…Had I not been foolish…had I grasped that you were not a bad man…that there is…at least in your case, a chance of regeneration…had I acknowledged that you were capable of virtue and goodness…as everyone around me saw it…" He trailed off "Had I seen change…and give it its proper value…Had I myself changed…"

"You still can" Valjean suddenly said and he leaped on, like a cat, to kneel in front of the Inspector "You still can" He whispered the urgent whisper of a desperate lover. But disbelief and doubt were written all over Javert's face.

Valjean sighed and took his hands in his own "Listen to me," He started, trying to put his thoughts together "When I met Cosette something was awaken in me. I loved again, I remembered how to love…It had been such a long time since it happened. I had never had a lover…and my sister had been long gone…it felt as though I had never loved anyone but then she appeared in my life and something stirred in me…and then there was you…you who had been chasing after me and I kept trying to escape you and in many moments I feared and resented you but my heart had been opened…and I started to think more and more about you. Your motives…your character. Your reasons. I remembered that day when you offered your resignation and then, only then, I realized what you had done and my heart broke. I fell in love with you, not then when you came to offer your resignation, but months afterwards, after I met Cosette, when we were in the Convent and I was safe…my heart broke then…and I fell for you then."

Javert parted his lips, wishing to speak but no sound came out "You have felt so since then?" He muttered, bewildered.

"Yes" Valjean answered with all the sincerity he could muster. "I have"

Javert sighed deeply letting go of Jean's hands to rub his face again. Valjean observed him attentively, afraid to ask. "What do you want, Javert?" He whispered. "What do you want from me?"

His hands left his face and the Inspector's eyes were burning. Burning to answer with the truth, burning with desire and longing and anger and love. "I have…I have denied my feelings for so long, Valjean. I never wanted to get near you…I never wanted love or affections. Emotions are the end of duty, the barrier to honour." His jaw hardened "Yesterday I was broken…by you. And ironically you were there to catch me. Can you realize the irony of this? I was killing myself to escape you and everything you are, everything you've done because for me you were evil, you couldn't be good…but you saved me. You saved me. And I can no longer deny that you are a good man, an honourable man."

Valjean smiled at this and bravely placed his hand upon Javert's cheek. The Inspector closed his eyes and finally whispered "And I can no longer deny my feelings for you"

Valjean's smile widened. "So you have them? The cold hearted inspector?"

"Don't mock me, Valjean" Javert growled but soon his lips twitched and the former convict didn't know whether Javert was serious or sarcastic.

It didn't matter, he realized. Valjean moved from his rather uncomfortable knelling position to sit besides Javert in the bed, never letting go of his hand. Slowly, he began to talk

"I need you to acknowledge that I am not the same man. That I changed. That I'm not the Jack, I'm not 24601. I'm Jean Valjean. Not M. le Maire…or Fauchelevant…I'm Jean Valjean who loved you last night. Who has loved you for a long time. And I will acknowledge that are not the Inspector…the man who chased me for years, who has for long believed me to be evil and immoral. The man who sees the world as black and white as a yes or a no…as a good or a bad. You must not be that man…you must be Javert. Javert who is intelligent and sarcastic and strives for morality and for the well being of society while knowing that men can change and should be given that opportunity. The man who knows this because he has experienced it personally, with me, his lover. The man who so readily kissed me last night and made love to me."

Javert eyed Valjean. "And you think we will be able to do this? After all these years…it is not easy. It won't be easy"

"No" He agreed "it won't. But look at the alternative. I let you go…God knows what you'll do…"

"I'm not a child Valjean. You don't need to take care of me. As strange as it might seem to you I've always managed quite well on my own" The Inspector rebuked

"But I don't want to let you go." Valjean firmly asserted "I don't want you to die or to disappear…I don't want to lose you, Javert" Silence ensued for several moments "And you? I ask again…what do you want?"

Javert closed his eyes. When he opened them, his hand travelled to the back of Valjean's hair "I want you. In many ways I always did. And now I'm facing the consequences"

"We both are. You are not alone in this" Valjean said, approaching the other's man, testing the reaction. Javert's gaze bored into his. And suddenly, he thrust his face forward meeting Valjean's lips. Jean's hands travelled through his neck and chest, bringing forward the very fresh memories from last night.

When they broke apart, breathless, leaning against each other, Javert bit down his lip and then smirked "You are going to make my life very difficult, aren't you Jean Valjean?"

"When was life ever simple, Javert? When were _we_ simple and easy? But I will hold on with all of my mind. I promise."

* * *

**Hopefully, you have enjoyed reading this as I enjoyed writing it. Reviews are cherished. **


End file.
